who holds an employee's heart?

Last time, I presented you guys with my love square dilemma. I was very pleased with how well-received it was and thank everyone for their input & thoughts once again. The conclusion has finally occurred... Who did I choose? #1 - the long-timer, #2 - the new home, or #3 - the new hope?

Change of heart
When I started with #2, it was out of force. I honestly didn't want to be with her (my heart was trying to pursue #3 at the time), but my mom was pushing me to win her hand. Unexpectedly, she accepted me and we started. I was unsure and negative about this relationship from the start. However, I pressed on because she put out for me when #1 didn't. I was very unhappy in this relationship though because I felt she didn't need me. It was like I was this "extra" that she accepted only because she pitied me. It also didn't help that our first day began with a bad note, so I always felt that she never liked me that much and that she was kind of "mean."

As I spent more time with #2, I realized that she is a very nice girl. I began to enjoy our time together. Just last week, she took me out to eat at a banquet and even bought me something for my birthday (what other employers do you know who would do this?). I was very touched by her actions and discovered that my feelings for her had grown to such an extent.

Breaking up is hard to do
The more time I spent with #1, the unhappier I felt. I was really fed up with how she was treating me and I was sick of our relationship. I made up my mind to break up with #1, but I found it very difficult to say the words, "I want to break up." I had been with #1 for so long that I suspect she was asking me to marry her... I had waited too long for her to put out more because I gave my all to her, but received at a minimum basis from her. In all, I just felt very frustrated and "wronged" with #1. But how, how can I find the courage to say "We're over"?

Getting played
I felt really down when #3 rejected me the first time because I felt that with my credentials, what girl wouldn't want me? But anyways, I lost hope in being with her after the first turn down. Surprise and utter delight were the feelings I felt after I got her call, telling me that she wanted to give it a try. It was because of her that I got myself into this "love square." Prior to her entering the scene, I could handle #1 and #2 very well. Two "wives" is really not that hard to manage - especially when the "big" wife (#1) doesn't know there's a concubine and the concubine (#2) willing accepts my marriage with "big" wife as the truth. However, if #3 can offer much more than both #1 and #2 can combined, why shouldn't I divorce them and leave with #3?

It was my heart ("leung sum") that kept me from leaving them. I felt #1 was doomed, but felt bad for leaving her at a time like this (when she was at a low point in her life) and with #2, I began to love her and we had only started for a month, so I didn't want to end yet. However, #3 looked so promising and attractive that I didn't want to pass up the opportunity. Finally, I made up my mind. Besides, I had wanted #3 from the start (when I was first out looking for other options after #1 disappointed me continuously) and was going to leave #1 for #3 if she should have me.

#3 said she was going to call me back, but after waiting for two days, I didn't receive any calls. I decided to initiate our relationship because I was tired of waiting. Besides, shouldn't men initiate things anyways? Sadly, when I called, #3 said that she wasn't looking. (The manager had called me telling me they needed help, but the pharmacist-in-charge said otherwise.) In short, I got played by #3. She made me think I had a chance and that she was going to give me lots of opportunities and hope, but...

As a result, #3 was written out of the picture.

Giving her a second chance
I was getting so sick of #1 that I made up my mind to finally leave her. I realized that the feelings that we once shared had died off long ago... It was sad, but true. Time had faded how passionate I was for her and I was ready to move on. I wanted to be with #2 now.

Very nervously, I told #1, "I want to leave."

"What? Are you kidding me?" she asked.

"No. I want to break up."

"Why? Is it because you're not happy being with me?"

"Because... I have other pursuers." Even though #3 had turned out to be a player, I still used her and called her a "pursuer" of mine. I came clean with #1 and frankly said that I waited and waited for more from her, but I saw nothing. As a result, I lost faith in her. I told her what #2 and #3 could offer me.

When #1 heard this, she was sad and shocked. Never did she believe that I would want to leave her. (She also asked, "You're dating two girls at the same time?!" To this, I replied, "No... but they are offering themselves to me.") She finally asked me, "Are you leaving because you don't think I can give you what those other girls are offering? Or is it because you really want to break up with me?"

In all honesty, my feelings for #1 had died, but with #3 out of the picture, I had to say, "I waited and you haven't given me what you promised. That is why I want to leave... for more opportunities. I really like being with you because we've been through so much, but I can't stay here feeling so unappreciated..."

Hearing my words, she promised me to give as much as #2 and #3 were going to give me. She wanted to fight for me - for us. She didn't want me to leave. She wanted me to stay with her because she valued me and didn't want to lose me. I was touched by how she was so willing to fight for us to stay together. I accepted her proposal and decided to give her another chance.

Still cheating
I had lied to #1 and threatened my way to a higher position in her heart. #3 had played me (and was no longer a pursuer) and #2 was giving the same as #1 was, but I fibbed and said they were both giving more than what she was giving me. It was this threat of losing me that scared her. She opened her eyes and vowed to do better.

I decided to stay with #1 only because I've been with her for so long already. To leave without getting a single raise would be dumb (I waited much too long for that). Besides, since I no longer had #3, #1's "big raise" to keep me was very attractive. She promises me she'll change, that she'll do better, and that I'll be more satisfied with her. My feelings with #1 has truly died though, but I won't leave her... yet.

She still has no idea I'm with #2 (and have been with her all along). I'm sticking with #2 a little longer because of feelings. I know I won't be able to grow much there, but I can't help but admit that I enjoy being with her. As for #1, it is now a give/take mentality - our relationship is too doomed to be saved.

Truthfully, I'm on the lookout for #4, #5, and #6 (and while I'm at it, I might as well pursue #7 to follow "Wai Siu Bo" from Jin Yong's Duke of Mount Deer story) at the moment. I feel bad about cheating and hate myself for not being faithful to anyone, but I can't help it. I have yet to find a girl who satisfies me to the maximum and whom I have a future with. I want to love deeply and just one, but I can't, at least not now, not yet.

A man's heart (especially this one) is really hard to please and keep...