growing up; choices... (1)

[I'm doing some introspective thinking, so the next two days will be personal posts. These are honest, raw confessions.]

Growth happens primitively, but maturing is an on-going process that requires thought and input. These days, I started to realize that perhaps I am not as "mature" as I thought. In three months, I will be twenty, but lately I've been acting like a kid. I failed to make decisions or made the wrong choices. I realize that I like to wallow in indecisiveness to keep things "the same", without realizing that nothing ever remains static...

Feeling ashamed; I think I can't, I think I can't
It's no secret that I've been struggling with Physics since the Fall 2006 semester. It was [is] my most feared and hated course. I didn't have any exposure to it in high school because I chose to take AP Chemistry and AP Biology instead. Okay, that's a lie. I took AP Physics for a month in high school and the experience was not good. I didn't understand it at all and the teacher was moving so fast and I had like a D in the class. I dropped it and switched to AP Biology where I did extremely well. However, that experience scarred me and my view of Physics has never been positive since.

From the beginning of the course, my attitude towards it has been negative and pessimistic. At first, I tried and paid attention in class. However, as the weeks passed and my grades kept getting lower, I started to feel helpless and put out less and less effort. I didn't do any of the practice problems. I didn't read the book. I "wanted" to, but I fell asleep every time I tried and felt that my time would be more beneficial dedicated to other classes. Furthermore, my apathy for the class started to grow dangerously. "Goody-two-shoes" me, for the first time in my academic life, skipped a few classes simply because I wanted to do other work or "felt tired". It was bad. However, after finishing up the first semester, I realized that Physics wasn't "so bad" and regretted not putting more effort towards it.

I made a declaration (on this blog as well) that I'd actually try and do much better in the second semester.

Spring 2007 semester came around. After the first week, my hate and disinterest for Physics came back and became even worse. There was a period of time where I didn't pay attention in lecture at all. I stopped taking notes at one point because I had no idea what was going on. I studied the night before the exams (I did this last semester too, but I still knew "some" stuff) which was very bad considering how I had no grasp on any of the material. There was a period where I would skip at least one class a week. I just...

I didn't feel like going because I was so lost. I didn't feel like trying anymore (not that I ever did) because I was doing so bad. It was hopeless I felt. "I think I can't, I think I can't" and so... I couldn't. I was willingly letting myself drown in a sea of doom and helplessness.

Finals' week arrived and the hard truth hit me that I was going into the final with a 55 exam average. The possibility that I would fail the class was high. I was scared. I went to my academic advisor (whom I am close with) and chatted with her about it... I totally broke down because she suggested that if I indeed did fail Physics, I would be kicked out of the Pharmacy program... It was the most ridiculous thing ever. There I was, someone who graduated in the top percentage of his class, was a consecutive Dean's list student, and with "practically" A's in all of his other courses... at the risk of expulsion?!

She asked me some things that were hard to hear... because it made me realize even further how much my predicament was a direct result of my own doing. Saying "Physics sucks, it hates me, the teacher is too hard, I don't understand, I don't get it," were all useless and childish excuses.

"I told you repeatedly to get help, why didn't you?"

I know this is a bad thing, but I have to admit that I am someone who doesn't like to ask others for help. I'd willingly help others, but I feel shameful to ask others. I hold high standards for myself. I like to believe that I can do anything that I put my heart behind. Getting a tutor would mean that I admit defeat. Yes, I am "proud" but I am not snobby or arrogant. The truth is, not only did my pride get in the way of me seeking a tutor for Physics, but also, I really had no interest to put effort into the course; I was stubborn and dumb.

"Why didn't you ask the professor for help if you were struggling so much?"

I was [am] ashamed. I never gave his class the time of day. I BS'ed and cheated on the online "pre-class" questions that he posted. [They only counted as participation points.] I stopped caring. I didn't listen to him in class. There was a point where I'd chat and joke around (which is rude). I made up all of my answers on exams, hoping that he'd give "pity points" because I had absolutely no idea how to do any of the problems. I couldn't face him. I felt so nervous and shameful whenever he passed out things to us individually. I felt bad... and rightfully so.

If I was him, I'd hate me too.

I didn't want to be expelled. I didn't want to leave the Pharmacy program because of a course that doesn't even pertain to my major. Part of the reason why I didn't put any effort into Physics was because it doesn't have anything to do with my future career.

I could go on and on about "reasons" why I didn't care about Physics, but the fact of the matter was that I was going into the final with an F. I had to pass the final to get at least a D- so I could stay in school...

The situation didn't look good. I hadn't "learned" a thing all semester. I floated through the course making things up and not paying attention. I knew that his final would contain mostly questions from this website and back tests, so I studied the night before (again) and tried to memorize answers. I knew it'd be impossible for me to "learn" a whole semester's worth of material, so I didn't even try to read my notes or "study"; it was too late.

The final was impossible. The questions looked familiar, but I had no idea how to answer them. For some of the questions, I had "glossed" over them when I was memorizing because there were simply too many questions on the website to "learn." I felt so angry. After going through the entire test, I was confident that I got at least a 30%... which wasn't good at all. I needed to pass it! Time was ticking...

Pretty soon, I gave up and just started guessing because I had no idea. I knew I was doomed. I had another final to study for the next day. I couldn't worry about it. What would happen would happen. It was not in my control. Like that, "fate" was in the hand of others. It was a dangerous thing and I felt so vulnerable. I want to hold my life within my own palm.

I had no one else to blame but myself. I made the decision not to try. I made the choice to give up. It was I who didn't care and I had to take responsibility and accept the consequences of my actions.

It took about a week until my Physics grade was out. [In the first semester, I managed to get a B-.] Those days were bad. I couldn't rest at ease even though school was out. I didn't know if I could come back to school. I could very well have failed because I know I did poorly on the final. I was scared out of my mind, but I couldn't tell anyone. I told my friends, but they all said I was overreacting and that I "had" to stay in because if I got kicked out, how could they stay in the program? No one understood the seriousness of my predicament (besides my advisor).

Finally, my grade was up.

I couldn't believe it... it was a C! Yes, I was shocked! This was beyond my wildest hopes (which, when dealing with Physics, was none). I was curious as to how I got the grade because I thought I did horrible on the final. I went to check what the grade on my final was, thinking that I must have done really well and guessed right to get a C... I couldn't have been more wrong. I got a 44 on my final. Yep... a 44 on my final and a 55 in exam average and I still got a C! I rejoiced. What was weird was that the professor didn't put a numerical value of my C. It was just a C. I don't care though. All I know is that I'm staying in the Pharmacy program! I didn't fail out. [All of my friends, who were doing as horribly as I was also got C's, which leads me to believe that there was a huge curve... or he felt bad and gave everyone C's. In any case, bless him and his kind heart! Thank you for having pity on us.]

I know it's not anything to be proud or happy about though because I don't "deserve" to pass. I practically failed the course based on my examinations and didn't learn a thing and put zero effort into it. Nevertheless, I am pretty darn happy that I don't have to ever see Physics again!

It was a very close call. I am very "lucky" as my name suggests.

Truly, self-confidence and belief makes a big difference. The adage "I think I can, I think I can" really does work. Because I believed I couldn't do Physics, my mindset was set on that and thus I didn't try nor devote any ounce of attention or care towards it.

Bad choices can really lead you down a dark and scary path. Sometimes, it's impossible to return. In my case, I kept falling deeper and deeper into an apathetic and pessimistic trap and found myself at a dead-end, with my fate at the mercy of "chance".

Continue and read part 2...