Fan Fiction |
by MetalAZNWarrior
"Attention, everyone!" Man Gwai Fei (Stephanie Che) claps her hands. "Listen, I have an important announcement to make!"
"We're getting a raise?"
"More like a warning letter if you don't hush about raises!"
"Then this news doesn't concern us!" Gam (Louis Yuen) laughs.
"Gam Gam, don't say that to Miss Man!" Ying Gei (Yvonne Lam) chides.
Gwai Fei clears her throat. "Our 'Ka Yan' family is about to have a change."
"You're leaving?"
"Of course not! If I, Man Gwai Fei, left this company, you would all be devastated. My beauty and elegance must remain in 'Ka Yan' otherwise the company will fail!" Gwai Fei says while moving her arms and hands in gestures reminiscent of ancient beauties.
The "Ka Yan" employees try their best not to laugh.
Gwai Fei clears her throat, "'Ka Yan' has a new member!"
"Is Joey returning?"
Gwai Fei rolls her eyes, "Presenting 'Ka Yan' company's newest accountant..."
"Ah Mei has returned?"
Gwai Fei clears her throat once more, "Miss Man Gwai Yan."
Gwai Yan (Celine Ma) walks into "Ka Yan" company with a big smile and waved to all of the employees as if she was the year's Miss Hong Kong. "Oh, I'm so honored and delighted to join the 'Ka Yan' family."
Ah Yuet (Michael Tse) says to Ah Lo, "One is a 'gwai fei' (royal concubine) and the other is a 'gwai yan' (royal lady). Do they think we're reenacting 'War and Beauty'?"
Ah Lo (Bondy Chiu) replies, "Even so, they are clearly both not beautiful enough to be imperial concubines."
Gwai Yan overhears this and corrects them while smiling, "Actually, my 'yan' is not the 'yan' (person) as in 'gwai yan.' It is the same 'yan' as Michele Reis's."
Gam and Ah Yuet try their best not to barf.
"If she was related to Lee Ka Yan, I would die!"
"If she was, there must have been some serious genetic mutation when it came to her genes!"
Gwai Yan blushes.
Noticing her cousin's embarrassment, Gwai Fei yells, "Shut up everyone!"
"It's so obvious that Man Gwai Fei is using her powers in the company to get jobs for her relatives," Ah Lo whispers to Ah Yuet.
"If I catch you saying anything bad to or about Yan Yan, I will give you all a warning letter!"
"On what charge?"
"Disrespecting authority! Yan Yan is me, but never mistaken me for Yan Yan!" Gwai Fei thinks to herself, "I would never be caught dead as Gwai Yan!" She shudders, "My beauty is far too much of a blessing to take the shape of Gwai Yan."
"You're so good to me, Fei Fei!" Gwai Yan gives her a hug.
The "Ka Yan" employees try to retain their laughter.
"I wonder if Miss Man got the name 'Fei Fei' for being fat! Can you imagine her 42-inch legs on a fat person?"
Gwai Fei rolls her eyes and stomps to her office.
Ah Lam (Linda Chung) watches from afar and shakes her head in disapproval.
[Gwai Fei's Office]
"Say, Fei Fei... what exactly is an 'accountant'?" Gwai Yan asks.
Gwai Fei nearly spills her bottle of nail polish, "You're kidding me."
"What's my job?"
"Yan Yan! All you're doing is dealing with numbers, money, and math."
"But I only know how to spend money!"
Gwai Fei is dumbfounded. "Can you at least do math?"
"Of course, only a dummy can't do math!"
Gwai Fei rolls her eyes, "Let me give you a test."
Gwai Yan finishes Gwai Fei's miniature examination in a few minutes. Gwai Fei's blood vessels nearly explode as she checks the answers. "Yan Yan, 2 plus 2 is not 3! Oh my god, if you can't do simple math like this..."
[Dream]
In a small street of a 1930's village, a peasant (Stephanie Che) with a mole on her left upper lip is speaking behind a stand. A crowd of people stands around her. "Attention, attention! I have here a miracle product! It is called 'gwai yan' (lucky person) candy!" She holds up a jar filled with small, wrinkly beads. "Taken from a stream of magical carps, these here are the eyes of the carps! The eyes have been dried and sweeten. Legend says that these candies are very lucky to whoever eats it. They bring prophetical powers and enhance intelligence! So please, buy one and bring a 'gwai yan' to your family!" The lady smiles and tries to solicit her product.
"You're lying! My son ate your candy and ended up retarded! Look at him!"
"I want my 'lo por jai!'" the man (Roger Kwok) cries.
There are murmurs among the crowd.
"Don't listen to them!" the lady urges.
"Cousin, can you please stop selling my white heads? My skin is getting irritated!"
The police arrive and declare, "Man Gwai Fei, you're under arrest and will be shot for deceiving people!"
"But these candy are really from a 'gwai yan'! She's Man Gwai Yan! No! Don't take me away."
[End of Dream]
"Oh god," Gwai Fei massages her forehead.
"What's the matter, cousin?"
"You can't even do simple math. How can I expect you to look after the company's finances?"
"There's always that slow girl... the other accountant."
"What do you think Mr. Wong hired you for? To sit around and look pretty?"
Gwai Yan smiles, "I can do that!"
"If you want to sell your 'smile,' you might as well become a prostitute."
"Oh, I wanted to because it's fast money, but I'm afraid of the risks."
Gwai Fei rolls her eyes, "As if you would have any customers," she says under her breath. She bites her nails. "If word of this gets around to Mr. Wong... not only will Yan Yan be fired, so will I!" She abruptly remembers Lily (Rain Lau) and calls her in.
"Yes, Miss Man? What is it?" Lily asks.
"You have four daughters right?"
Lily nods, "My precious gems!"
"Whatever. I assume you must help them with their homework?"
"Why of course! How else do you think they bring in good grades and..."
"Enough! I assume you must be good at math?"
"Sure."
"I need you to teach someone."
Lily leans toward Gwai Fei, "Don't tell me you don't know such simple math, Miss Man?"
Gwai Fei slaps her. "Not me! Her!"
Lily stares at Gwai Yan. "Isn't she the company's new accountant?"
Gwai Fei nods.
"Shouldn't she be good at math?"
"Supposedly."
"Then why do you need my help?"
Gwai Fei slaps her again. "No questions! Just teach her math."
"If you don't stop hitting me, I'll report this to the government!"
"Let's see if your report will get filed faster than I can fire you."
Lily smiles sheepishly, "Just playful joking in the work place! Sheesh! Of course I will teach her."
Gwai Fei leaves her office to find to find some pills of aspirin, "Yan Yan has been here for a couple of days and already she is so much trouble! Not only did she spend all of my money, she made me get a new wardrobe, and now she's putting me at the risk of losing my job! Damn you daddy for sending such a pest to me!" Out of anger, Gwai Fei breaks her mug with her hand!