Do you ever find that a day goes by and you feel like you didn’t accomplish everything that you wanted? Perhaps you even wasted a day and furthered your procrastination? I certainly have. There’s a very ugly snowball effect that occurs when you procrastinate. Elusively, everything just piles up and then there’s stress and pressure to complete those tasks.

The solution is simple — a make a “To-Do List” every day.

It really helps to write everything that you have to do out. This allows you to have a visual understanding of how much or how little tasks need to be accomplished before the day is over. Sure, you can have a “mental memory” of what you need to do, but chances are, only the most important things (i.e. those due the next day) will stick out. You end up not utilizing all of the time that you have and cannot complete tasks in advance.

I love writing a list because the feeling that I get when I cross each item off is very fulfilling. I especially love throwing the Post-It (which I write my “‘To-Do List” on) into the trash can when the day’s over and I managed to finish everything. On days in which I can do that, it makes me feel accomplished and that I am “on track”.

On days in which I don’t make a list, I find that I waste them. It’s because without a list I feel like I don’t have small daily goals to reach. I’m going to be honest and say this: remember when I wrote how I was doing not-so-great in school last year? Well, the reason for that was because I stopped doing a “To-Do List”! Thus, I kept pushing things back and not getting all of the studying I needed to do on a daily basis. I was often feeling pressure and stress from having to do things “last minute”.

The moment I started a “To-Do List” again, things became a lot calmer, not as stressful, and my studying was more productive. Naturally, my grades improved as well. A “To-Do List” really helps me to not procrastinate as much and organizes my life. It allows me to get what I need done and also gives me more time to just “relax” and not worry about having to do this-or-that. It is a very empowering feeling knowing that everything is done for the day and that you can just sit back and enjoy yourself.

Tips for making and keeping a “To-Do List”
01) Be realistic — do not write every single thing that you have to do down; just jot down what you think you will definitely finish in that one day and of course what needs to be done before the day’s over.

02) Do not write too many tasks — it’s a horrible feeling having many items remain uncrossed; there are only so many hours in a day so do not compose a list with a million things on it. Of course there will be “light” days and “heavy” days, but always keep your list to a reasonable amount!

03) Use a “reward” system — what I like to do is give myself a little relaxation time to do whatever after I accomplish a certain amount of tasks. This will keep you motivated; after all, who wants to work all of the time, right?

04) Use a “punishment” system — while it’s hard to not give into fun, you really have to be firm with yourself and tell yourself that you cannot do any leisure activities until after all (or most) of the list is done. The quicker you finish the list, the more time you have to have fun.

05) Make a list every single day — this way every day can feel like mini-accomplishments and you will always be on-track. The few minutes you spend composing this list will totally be worth it and rewarding. You will gain back hours compared to the minutes you spent doing it.

06) Use a Post-It — of course any scrap piece of paper will do, but I really like a Post-It because it is just enough space and you can easily discard it once you’re done with it.

07) Do not limit your tasks to academic ones — chances are, you have more to do than just those things relating to school. I like to write everything that I have to do down so that I can be well-rounded and not forget anything.

08) Cross each item off immediately after you finish it — it’s a great feeling to be able to complete a task, so reward yourself by crossing it off! It’s a very relieving feeling. This visualizes to your brain that one more task is done and that one less task needs to be tackled for the day.

09) Break “big” things up into blocks — some things (for example reading a chapter or studying for a test) are just too “big” and time-consuming to be completed in a short amount of time. What I like to do for these “big” items is to make little boxes next to them and complete the task in “parts”. After I finish a part, I put a check mark in the box. Call me neurotic, but I like the feeling of knowing that I did something productive so by checking off a box, it allows me to see that I’m one step closer to crossing off this “big” item.

10) Throw the “To-Do List” away after you’re done — the feeling you get knowing everything on that list is done is amazing! Plus, who wants to see an unsightly list of crossed-off items?

I found great success with a “To-Do List” and highly recommend it.

I may seem like someone who is serious and mature, but actually… I’m the type of person who prefers and likes to joke around and laugh when possible. In the past few weeks, 我笑好多. In Chinese, the word 笑 means both “smile” and “laugh”. However, in the English language there is a clear distinction between these two words — a smile and a laugh.

You can genuinely laugh for many reasons be it a funny joke or a comedic scene on TV.

Unlike laughing, you can only genuinely smile for one reason — because you are happy. Happiness is something that you feel from within. It is a feeling that flows from your heart. You cannot fake true happiness. You cannot hide happiness. Happiness wants to make itself known and it shows… when you smile.

I can translate 我笑好多 as meaning “I laughed plenty”. In truth, I did. I spent as much time as I could with friends. I didn’t want to spend too much time alone. I tried to preoccupy myself so I wouldn’t have to think. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel. I knew that if I did I would feel empty and unsatisfied.

I definitely cannot translate that phrase as meaning “I smiled a lot”.

I cannot smile genuinely for a long time now.

我好耐笑唔出。。。 其實我很不快樂。

The road of life is long, twisted, and full of hurdles. Traveling alone makes this road even harder to go through. That is why we have companions to do this marathon — this life-long walk — with us. Yet, friends and family can only accompany us for so much of the way. This is why we all search for a “significant other” — a lover and best friend in one — in hopes of having someone to go through the final stretches of our road with us.

Finding such a person is not an easy task. In fact, it is probably one of the hardest. Sadly, a number of people never find such a person. Even then, there are no guarantees that this person will be able to accompany us until that final step. Still, having once had such a person is already enough.

Nhi entered my life unexpectedly. Fate had arranged for our encounter and a relationship blossomed.

On January 1, 2008, we started walking together. As I’ve said many times before, she fills my life with meaning. I made plans and had something to work towards — her and our future. No longer would I question my life’s value and meaning. I had something to fight for, something to look forward to. At long last, I achieved a comforting feeling that I could have a beautiful future ahead for me.

She inspired me to work hard and do my best. Thanks to her help and everlasting encouragement, I was able to pull myself up from my academic slump. For the first time since Fall Semester 2007, I made it back on Dean’s List last semester (Spring 2008). My grades improved a lot. I credit her with this. People say that relationships often time make grades suffer, but for me, the reverse was the case.

I thought we would travel every step together from that fateful day onwards. It turns out… that we won’t. We love each other dearly and passionately. I have and will always love Nhi. However, as we’ve both come to painfully realize, love is not enough to make or sustain a relationship. With this knowledge and our growing maturity and understanding in dealing with love, we both decided that it would be best to let go of a relationship for now. It is the best solution.

The timing is not yet right. As much as we want to travel together, we cannot. The road that we must travel at the present time is one in which we have to travel alone. There is some time before our two roads can intercept and converge into one… only then can we walk on the same path hand-in-hand.

We have to lead a “one person life” again for now. We have our own things to take care of. We cannot prioritize a relationship into our lives as it should be placed at the moment.

I am no longer in a relationship and I have to travel life “alone” once more, but this time I am no longer “lonely”. It is because I carry Nhi in my heart every day. We will always be together in our hearts. This love is very real and deep. It is the kind of love that I was always searching for. Having had this [and still having it] makes me feel fulfilled. This knowledge gives me the strength and encouragement to keep on walking until I reach the part of the road in which my path converges with hers. I will keep on working hard — and I know she will too — until that day. We will both keep on moving forwards so that we can reach this destination. It is a very warm feeling.

Truly, I’m leading a one person life, but with two people in the heart.

Since the days of Eve, the human female has consistently been composed of the “XX” chromosome. However, the modern woman is unlike her ancestors.

The woman of the past was bound by the restrictions of society. “Fate” as she called it often determined her life. When she was little, she depended on her father. When she was older, she depended on her husband. When she was old, she depended on her children. Depending on others is never a good thing. Building your life around another person only sets yourself up for destruction — there are no guarantees and there’s no telling what tomorrow brings. However, the woman of the past had no choice. This was the life that she saw. This was the “fate” that she would have to accept.

The woman of the past did not have much control — if any. She was basically powerless. All she could do was sit at home… waiting on her father, waiting on her husband, waiting on her children… Her only purpose in life was to take care of her family and to have children. She wasn’t allowed to think for or of herself. She was led to believe that the lives of women were so tragic and so doomed.

The woman of the past was taught to feel and act inferior. She was led to believe that men were above her and that she had to listen to everything that they said for she had no authority to object. Only men were allowed to have power. Only men could speak their minds. Only men could have freedom. Only men… Blame the fact that she wasn’t born a boy…

The woman of the past could only meekly dream. Dream, she would… of living a good life… by finding a good husband. She only wanted to minimize her suffering. Her worst fear was being unmarried. She did not dare to dream of happiness. She did not dare to dream for herself. She had no wings to fly…

The woman of the past endured and suffered often more than her share, but she could not complain. She could only accept.

The woman of the past… no longer exists.

The modern woman is the person the woman of the past never imagined she could be.

The modern woman is her own person. No longer is she bound by society. No longer does she have to depend on anyone or listen to anyone’s order. She has her own options. She has her own voice. She has her own opinions. She’s free to think and speak. She is independent and self-sufficient.

The modern woman fights back. She is not afraid of anyone. She won’t silently suffer.

The modern woman lives life. She is no longer held captive at home. She works. She plays. She is educated and informed. She makes her own money. She can pay her own bills. No longer does she have to wait around for someone to support her.

The modern woman is no longer inferior to her father, brother, lover, or any man. She is now their peer. In fact, she can even be their boss. The modern woman can be a doctor, lawyer, pharmacist, CEO, manager… she can occupy any career that she wants. These jobs are no longer exclusively male and out of her reach.

The modern woman doesn’t only dream, she plans and sets goals. She makes them reality.

The modern woman is so different from her mother, her grandmother, and all of the women before her… but there is one thing that she cannot escape — her passion for romance.

The modern woman wants to be loved. She wants to feel beautiful. She wants to be pampered. She wants her man to show her affection, attention, and care. She would like someone to massage her muscles when she’s tired. She would like someone to open the door for her and treat her like a lady. She would like to go on dates. She would like someone to be there for her — a shoulder to lean on, a shirt to cry into, a hand for support… She wants to hear “I love you”. Women of any time period are this deeply romantic.

Unfortunately, the modern woman scares some men away. They fear her because her confidence, strength, independence, and success is a threat to some of them. They feel they cannot be the “man” in the relationship anymore. It is no longer guaranteed that they will make more money or even that they’ll have a higher-ranking job. They can no longer “boss” women around like their fathers, grandfathers, and all of the men before them did. Their superiority and “status” now faces competition. Indeed, some men cannot handle the modern woman. They find her attractive, but because they fear she “surpasses” them, they reject her.

The modern woman doesn’t need to worry though… because the modern man embraces the modern woman. The modern man isn’t threatened by the modern woman being on his “level” or even above him. He embraces her as his peer. He doesn’t need to feel “superior” in order to be sure of his manhood. The modern man isn’t afraid of asking for help. He isn’t afraid to admit his fears, his pain, or even his sorrows. He doesn’t hide his flaws and works to improve himself. The modern man is open, smart, reasonable, and upgrades himself with the current times. He does not live in the past, holding on to false power and ridiculous affirmations of superiority and masculinity as set by society.

The modern woman and the modern man beautifully join to form a modern couple. The modern couple works together. They communicate and respect one another. They challenge one another to be the best they can be. There is no longer a distinct division of “power” or “status”. They both pay the bills. They both work. They both pick up the check. They both take care of the kids. They share responsibilities. They love, help, and support one another. There is a healthy and mutual balance.

As a modern man, I love the modern woman.

Most, if not all, people hate receiving the news from their optometrist that they need glasses. Indeed, the sorrowful news that 20/20 vision has been lost upsets everyone. Gone are the days where one could see clearly and sharply without the aid of anything.

Unlike other people, when I was a kid, I wanted to receive this news. I would be “disappointed” to learn that my vision was still perfectly fine. Glasses stereotypically imply a certain level of intelligence, so I wanted to wear glasses. I wanted to “look” smart. I remember I was “happy” when I was told by the school’s nurse that I should go to the optometrist to have my eyes checked out because I most likely needed glasses. I think I was in 5th or 6th grade when that happened.

Initially, I was very happy because my “wish” came true. I finally needed glasses. It was only then did I know you really should be careful what you wish for.

Who knew they were so troublesome? I hate having something on my face. Although glasses are “light”, I don’t like the feel of it resting on the bridge of my nose. I don’t like pushing my glasses up. I don’t like how things are “blurry” outside of the lens. Furthermore, I didn’t like the way I looked wearing glasses. I looked “smart” all right, but at the stage of middle school going-on high school, this is not something you desire anymore. You want to fit in and be “cool”. Thus, from a love and admiration of glasses, I grew to hate my glasses.

When I first got my glasses, I used to wear them all of the time (except at home because I can see “fine” without them). However, as I grew older, I wore them less and less. When I started high school, I only wore them during classes when I needed to look at the board. I hid them in the case and immediately took them off if I was in the hallway traveling between classes or if I didn’t have to look at the board. Thus, I treated my glasses as a last resort if I really, really had to see something clearly. I could function relatively well without my glasses — and I did, about 70-80% of the time.

I continued this attitude towards my glasses when I started college. Sometimes, I’d be walking through campus and someone would be waving at me and I would have to turn to a friend I was walking with and ask, “Who’s that?” At other times, my friends would get mad at me because I didn’t “see” them as I was approaching them. I then laughed and said, “I really can’t see!”

Indeed, it was troublesome having the world be so “blurry”. I missed the clarity.

When I was asked why I didn’t wear my glasses all of the time, I replied, “I don’t like the way my glasses look.” This answer is an honest one. I really hated the frames I had because they were free. I rationed that if I had frames that I really liked, I would wear them all of the time (or at least much, much more than I did). I really liked Raymond Lam’s glasses from Survivor’s Law and as I began to see this frame gain increasing popularity (seriously, doesn’t everyone have this pair nowadays?), I started to really want one as well. I also really liked Steven Ma and Ron Ng’s frameless Silhouette glasses from The Brink of Law.

Since I started working back in 2005, I finally had money to buy frames that I wanted to buy. In the summer of 2007, that’s what I did. I bought two Tommy Hilfiger frames; one was the black frame (featured above) and the other was a frameless one. I paid around $300 total, but I was totally satisfied with them both. I finally had glasses that I wouldn’t be ashamed to wear. Also, I didn’t want to further ruin my vision, so I knew I had better start wearing glasses on a more constant basis.

I shocked people when I began to wear my glasses. I shocked myself with how committed I was with wearing glasses. Gone were the days where I only wore glasses in the classroom and/or wanted to see something clearly. I now saw the world with clarity once again. Since summer 2007, I was officially a “glasses wearer”. After spending $300 on them, how could I not wear them?

Even though I grew to “accept” my glasses and now wore them regularly, I was not happy with wearing them. There are people who look good in glasses; I am not one of them. My eyes are quite small, so to cover them behind glasses make them even smaller. I look better without glasses.

Originally, I had wanted to get contacts in the summer of 2007. However, I was swayed away from the idea. For starters, I was scared about putting them into my eyes and then taking them out. Secondly, I was told “horror stories” by people who couldn’t get the contacts out. Therefore, at that time, I decided not to go through with it and purchase frames that I “really liked” instead. I knew of contacts many years back but didn’t dare to think about getting them myself simply because I wasn’t fond of the idea about putting them in and taking them out.

Last month, I made the decision to get contacts for cosmetic reasons. I’ve been wearing them for over a month now and they are great. They are not the “horror” that I imagined them to be at all. Initially, I had a lot of trouble and was quite nervous and scared about putting them in and taking them out. Once, it took me ten minutes to take them out one night! After a week or so, I got used to them and now the process is natural and relatively “quick”. Wearing contacts is of course more time-consuming and expensive than wearing a pair of glasses. However, I think they are totally worth it.

Besides making me look better, I just love the comfortableness and “feel” of contacts. Unlike glasses, there isn’t anything weighing down my nose and ears. I just hate the “heaviness” of glasses. Furthermore, the greatest thing of all is that I don’t feel them! They aren’t uncomfortable at all. Sometimes it’s as if I have nothing on. I just love this freedom! Even more, my vision is now not restricted to the lens of my glasses. I can now see clearly 360º — this is something I haven’t had since I lost 20/20 vision.

All in all, I’m 100% satisfied and pleased with my contacts. I actually wish I had gotten them earlier. Although I don’t wear glasses anymore in the daytime, I still wear them sometimes at night after I take out my contacts. I don’t think I can ever completely bid farewell to my glasses.

I’ve “seen” love and relationships all around me since I was little. Like most people, I had crushes and “loved”, but I never had any relationships of my own… until half-a-year ago. Since a long, long time, I always wanted to have a girlfriend. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to have a relationship. I wanted to experience “love”… the thing that everyone talks about.

July 1 marked my six-month anniversary with Nhi.

We went through a lot in these six months, both separately and together. I know that every relationship goes through rough patches, but in my innocent mind, I thought we would never encounter such periods. I had thought that if we did have problems, they wouldn’t be too big and that they’d be resolved quickly because we have a very good understanding of each other. I thought I would never make her cry because of me. I thought I would be a model boyfriend.

It turns out that I was wrong — so, so wrong.

A relationship is what it is… a bind between two people. Every person is unique and obviously this leads to differences. Thus, a relationship can never be “perfect” with only happiness consisting of smiles and laughter. It can never just pass through sunny days forever.

In every relationship, there will be times where there are problems and where everything isn’t so peachy.

Although our interests and “overall” personality may be similar, Nhi and I differ in some of our attitudes and the way we deal with things. While she appreciates good humor and is often a cheerful person, her mind is often serious. On the other hand, I have a laid-back personality and often joke. I’m only serious when I really “have” to be [i.e. the situation calls for it] — I have to be pushed. Some matters are “small” and “insignificant” to me, but those same matters may be very big to her. These differences between us led to the issues that we’ve had in the past two months.

These past two months made me very uneasy. I thought I was going to lose her several times.

The thought of not having her pains me, but what pains me even more is the fact that the way I had treated her did not warrant me having her. I made her cry so many times. I became the kind of boyfriend I never thought I would be. I was inconsiderate and selfish. I was the root of many of our problems.

I cried many times, afraid of losing her and hating myself for treating her the way I had. I was very ashamed and regretful.

She began to doubt how much I loved her. She started to lose faith in us. I made her lose this trust. I took away her sense of security.

When we started on January 1, we both had a lot of faith in our relationship and in each other. Who knew we would face such a day?

Sometimes I would wonder whether or not we would even make it to half-a-year…

As the days went on, the situation just became worse and worse and our relationship progressively declined. I knew that I had to do something otherwise I would lose her for sure. How can I show her how much I love her? Surely, gifts wouldn’t mean a thing. A thousand “I love you’s” means nothing. Nhi is the type of person who can only believe in actions. I had to show her that I really did care and love her a lot.

Initially, for a six-month anniversary present, I had wanted to write a “future” journal entitled The Future Days [未來的日子]. It would be a cute and sweet gift for us to laugh and happily talk about. I wanted her to read an entry a day. From a cute gift, this journal turned into a very important item. It became the gift that shows how much I love her. This journal represents my heart. It outlines the days that we will go through in the years to come. I spent around two weeks working on it. I spilled my heart out. The more I wrote the more excited and involved I got. The final pages of this journal declare how much I love her. I hoped that she would see how much I truly loved her after reading this journal. I wanted her to “see” and “know” it all…

… and “see” she did. She was overwhelmed by how much I loved her.

When she told me that it wasn’t over, I cried. I was so relieved and truly happy. I won’t treat her or “us” the way I had been doing ever again. I truly value her and appreciate what we have [and what we will have].

I learned so much in these months. I was too naive about the way I saw relationships before. Relationships require continuous work and above all, communication. There are bound to be tears along with smiles. There are ups and downs, just like life.

Problems and issues make a relationship “real” because it tests the relationship. A long-lasting and strong relationship overcomes these problems and triumphs whereas weak relationships falter and break apart consequently. Nhi and I have the former.

Here’s to six months and many more to come…

Every day with her beautifies my life with meaning. I love her so much.

Love is not about going on dates. It is not about presents. It is not about phone calls or cards and flowers that declare, “I love you”. It is not about sharing common interests. It is not about having the same tastes. It is not about being able to talk to someone endlessly. It is not just about being there and fulfilling the desires of the other person. It is more than “feelings”. Love is an indescribable driving force and feeling that only two people can understand. Love is one of humankind’s greatest “unknown”… as well as paradoxically being the biggest thing we seek, know, and embrace.

Love is about understanding completely the other person, to the point that some things do not need to be said. However, sometimes things should and must be said. Thoughts and feelings may be understood, but unless the ears perceive, these thoughts and feelings will not be heard.

Love is more than saying, “I love you”.

Love is about actions.

Love is about being yourself, not changing yourself for anyone.

Love is for a lifetime — a life-long, committed relationship of ups and downs between two. It is about facing both storms and sunny days. It is about dealing with whatever life brings together. It is about communication. It is about solving problems and working together. Real love triumphs and overcomes all.

Love is not only made up of pleasant smiles and laughter, but also of precious tears and heartaches.

Love is an intricate and delicate union of happy times and sad times.

Love lingers in the past, holding tenderly to memories built.

Love is vibrant with multiple colors in the present.

Love lives beautifully in the future.

Love grows stronger and deeper with time. I embrace the future — the days that have yet to come.

This is a story about a bad man. This man did not commit a lawful felony, but he committed the biggest crime a man can ever commit. He hears stories about other men hurting the woman in their life, but he never thought he would ever be a “bad man” like others. The biggest blow that a man can receive and the most pain he can feel is to make a woman cry.

This man is a repeated felon. He not only made his woman cry, but more than once at that.

He tells her that he loves her, but he treated her badly. He became too confident and self-assured in his relationship with her. She was always there for him. She waited on him. Her heart was there at all times. He thought he would never lose her. He thought she would always love him and be with him. He thought their future was guaranteed. Like some other bad men, he went down the path of not appreciating and taking “her” for granted. He became selfish and inconsiderate. He didn’t think about how she felt. He neglected her and she instantly picked up on it.

She cried, cried, and cried some more. She rightfully lost faith in them. She rightfully doubted his love for her.

It was only then that he realized how horrible he had been. It was only then that it registered in his head that he was a bad man.

For the first time, he thought he might lose her.

He was wrong… so wrong.

A woman has to be loved and valued. Her worth is priceless and irreplaceable. Nothing else can compare to how deeply and sincerely she cares and loves. She should never be abused or taken for granted because she can and she will find a man who knows her worth. She will not nor should she sit around to endure or take it. A man rightfully loses when he fails to treat her like she should be.

This is a bad man who made his woman cry more than five times. He is to blame for the problems they had. His attitude towards her was absolutely unacceptable. He neglected her. He took her for granted and momentarily forgot her worth. He should not have her. He doesn’t deserve her.

… but felons are humans too. Humans make mistake. People have mishaps in judgment. The most important thing is to acknowledge the crime and admit the truth and make amends. This bad man was able to wake up and realize how bad he was. He cried…. He was deeply regretful of the way he treated her. He promises her a better future. He promises her that he won’t take her for granted again.

He wants to give her a “safe” feeling again. He wants to realize their dreams of a beautiful future. He never wants to lose her.

This is a story of a man who was bad; this is a story… about me.

How many of you dread the first day back to school? Indeed, “first” days suck. You don’t know what to expect, so your stomach is full of butterflies. As people, I think we like the familiar and once we’ve become familiar with something, all of the fears just go away. Until we’ve established a “comfort zone” though, we just have this unpleasant feeling.

“First days” always represent a dark cloud of mystery. We don’t know what to expect. We don’t know how it’s going to be. Even if the environment is familiar, we can still get these feelings. Every time I return to campus for the start of a new semester, I always feel nervous. I don’t know what my classes are like, I don’t know what the teachers are like, I don’t know who my exact classmates are, I don’t know the exact classroom my class is going to be held, I don’t know what my schedule is, and so on. All of these questions and “unknown” factors and “running around” make me uneasy. After the first week though, I fall back into a pattern and everything becomes a habit again.

It’s the same way with work. I start working again on Tuesday and although I’ve been working there for 2 years already, I still feel nervous about going to work again. I just hate “breaking the ice”.

However apprehensive I may be about “first” days, they never turn out as horrible as I nonsensically may fear in the back of my mind. Once I step into the doors, I don’t feel “lost” anymore and things just flow naturally. I guess it’s the sense and state of wondering that really scares people.

All too often we imagine things are much worse than they can ever be. We envision catastrophic situations for ourselves. We fear this and that. The “unknowns” of “first” days just adds to our fear.

I guess I just have to not think about it and as Virtues of Harmony always so famously says, “Take things as they come.”

Time is so intangible. Without clocks, calendars, and the rising and setting of the sun, would we know how much time has passed? Would we care? Sometimes it seems life is run by the clock. We have to meet deadlines. Certain things must be done at certain times.

You often hear people complain that there just isn’t enough time in a day. Sometimes, you feel that a day is over at the blink of an eye. “Losing” time seems to be correlated with modern society. Yet, time is a constant. From the beginning of time until now, there has only been 24 hours in a day. So why is it that modern people feel so pressed for time? We’re so desperate for a little more time each day just so we can take care of what we need to do. Sometimes, we just want some time - even a minute… for ourselves, but this often isn’t possible.

It was only during high school that it hit me how “fast” time moved. Now that I’ve just finished my third year of college, my first professional year of Pharmacy school, this notion rings more true than ever. I’m half-way done my schooling already. It feels like yesterday when I was a freshman stepping on the grounds of campus for the first time. I don’t feel like I’ve just completed Third Year. I don’t feel like I’m 20-going-on-21. It doesn’t feel like 2008. Yet, all of those things are “true” even if I don’t feel that they are.

In 3 more years, I will be done with school. 2011 seems so far away… and yet I know it will be here before I know. It’s scary how fast time flies by.

Despite feeling that “time goes by fast”, ironically, when I was on the train riding home yesterday, I felt that time could not go any slower. Riding the train isn’t foreign to me. Every trip is around an hour and a half. I know that. Usually, I don’t even feel it. I find myself thinking “Oh wow, I’m here already?” sometimes. Yet, I was waiting and waiting for the 1.5 hours trip to be over yesterday.

If nothing changed, then why did my perception of time differ?

It is because for the first time in a long time I was actually physically “perceiving” time by watching the time “change” on my cell phone yesterday.

A minute can feel like an hour and an hour can feel like a minute. It is all about perception. The more you notice something, the more you focus on it. If you don’t notice something, you won’t realize. Time slithers away elusively when we don’t watch it. When we do watch it, time is sneaky and only etches like a snail. It’s almost as if time wants to play us.

The older we grow, the more responsibilities and roles we take on — the more preoccupied we become… and the faster time slips by… until our own time runs out.

There’s a famous saying that goes: “Good fences make good neighbors.”

Yes, good fences, not good people. The more I think about it, the more I realize just how true this saying is.

As people, we put up multiple barriers. We selectively let others in. As we spend more time with the other person, we take down more and more walls. Only those most intimate to us - significant other, family, close friends, and relatives - are able to see us stripped without any pretense or walls. We can be bare around them, sharing everything about us without fear or hesitation.

We need barriers to protect ourselves. We need barriers to hide ugly truths about ourselves. We need barriers to conceal secrets and personal struggles. No one likes to air their dirty laundry out for all to see; let’s face it, we all have a little dirty laundry. We all have a part of ourselves that we would like to be hidden. We do things we don’t want others to know. These things aren’t necessarily bad things. It’s just that we don’t want the whole world to know. As individuals, we all need our space and privacy. This is perfectly acceptable.

When we’re little, we live at home with our family. Family is family because they know us at our worst. We cannot hide from them. They know everything - at least more than others - about us. We don’t mind because they’re family. We know their bad habits and dirty laundry too.

Things change and become tricky when we move out of the house and enter the “real world”. Because of the high cost of living, most people opt to get roommates.

Everyone has expectations about their living situations with their roommates. They think it’s going to be so cool and great. As children, we dream about living with our friends. We dream about playing all of the time. We dream about chatting day and night. More than often, the reality of roommates is not as rosy as dreams.

There is a saying that warns people not to room with friends because they’ll turn into enemies.

People scoff at this as a joke and a silly warning. How is it possible that good friends will become enemies after rooming together?

The truth is that it’s very rare to find a good roommate. Many people have horror roommate stories. Many people complain about their roommates. There are many accounts of roommate drama. Sadly, it’s true that there are good friendships that are ruined after a rooming situation.

All of the roommate issues and problems stem back to the issue of personal space and privacy. The barrier between “personal” and “society” is blurred when we have roommates. On the one end, we are supposed to be at “home” [and thus in our private recluse from the world], but on the other end, we are supposed to “socialize” because our roommate is in the same room. Thus, the very precious and valuable temporary escape from society into our private home - our hideaway - is lost. We have to consider our roommate before we do something. We have to worry about this and that. We have to wonder how our roommate will view our action. Thus, our freedom to be completely at “home” is gone. There are many things we can’t do and say in the presence of a roommate. There are embarrassing secrets or things we don’t want others to know.

Keeping up barriers all of the time is painful and tiring. However, with a roommate, we have no choice but to still put up some barriers. This is why it feels so good for us when we return home and our roommate is not there. It feels so good to relax and decompress knowing it’s just us in the room. We can unleash all of our baggage and barriers and not have to worry about anything. We regain the very valuable space and time to ourselves that we all want and desire. It is at this point that we realize… good fences make good neighbors.

It’s not about the other person. We may love them. We may hate them. It’s about us.

A home is a home when we can return to it and unload and free ourselves from society’s chains and restrictions. There’s no need for pretense. There’s no need for barriers. We don’t have to worry. It’s our home with people we love most and care about. These are the people we don’t mind seeing our flaws. These are the people we don’t mind knowing our bad habits. These are the people who know our secrets. They are the ones who know our dirty laundry. We don’t have to act. We don’t have to hide. These people are our family. This is why it is so much easier to share a living environment with intimate people.

Fences divide and segregate. They give us the personal space and home we all desire by marking off barriers.

We need fences… to keep ourselves in and others out.

Good fences make good neighbors… and good neighbors build good fences.

We are born with nothing on our shoulders. As we grow up, the load that we have to carry increases by the day. There are always new responsibilities that we have to take on, new roles that we have to perform, and new things that we have to do.

Sometimes we get involved in petty grudges.

We hold on to the anger. We hold on to the hatred. We hold on because we feel we’ve been wronged. We hold on because we’re not happy. We hold on… to this negative ball of energy. We hold on…

I thought I couldn’t let go. Everything pissed me off. Everything annoyed me. I was upset. I was unhappy. I didn’t feel comfortable. I couldn’t… I couldn’t let go. I felt too much resentment and believed I could never find an escape.

Then - I stopped.

I don’t blame fate. I don’t blame the heavens. Sometimes, people’s problems are created by themselves. Some things are not as big of a problem as we make them out to be. We sometimes cause unnecessary problems for ourselves. We give ourselves more stress nonsensically. We can say we’ve been wronged. We can say we have a reason to be angry or upset… but the burden only hurts one person - and that is you.

The solution is simple… let go.

Let go of the anger. Let go of the hatred. Let go of the resentment. Let go… let go… let go… of the grudge.

With one less burden, my shoulders are lighter. With my balled up negative feelings released, my heart can relax.

I can move on.

I can be happy again.

Let go…

(Click on thumbnail to enlarge)

I believe in fate.

Fate has brought us together. I know she is the one because she completes me. We know what each other is thinking or feeling. We understand one another. I can share everything with her without fears or hesitation… and I want to spend every moment of our lives together.

Our relationship is the purest and most genuine. We are connected; I know this is long-lasting.

“Alfred” has finally met his “Seung Joi Sum” - who was there all along - and I am happy.

Since January 1, 2008…

My heart trembles and pounds and I’m short of breath as I write this. I hoped and waited for this day to come… My thoughts and feelings are jumbled… and yet, it is so clear. I expected this. I should have known. It all feels so natural… and so destined.

Meeting ‘her’
It all started off so innocently and so… fatefully. It was on the day of her favorite number nearly two years ago. It started as a fandom at TVB Musings. She was always the first. I looked forward to her comments; her words were so well-thought out. I admired her intelligence and secretly, I hoped to please her with my posts. At first, she refused to take on an identity… but as the months went by, she adapted a name. Our conversations and the development of our relationship are well documented in the archives of the old TVB Musings.

Knowing ‘her’
It wasn’t until early 2007 that our exchanges became more personal and frequent. No longer were we confined to the comments area of TVB Musings. It all started with my disappearance… and an e-mail from hers expressing concerns. I was very touched. Who could have imagined that that one e-mail would spark a series of consequent e-mails?

I had given up on e-mailing long ago… and yet, for the past year, I e-mailed - but only to her. She revived my e-mail account and I looked forward to receiving her e-mails. I enjoyed our “live e-mail chats”. In the past year, we’ve composed over 611 e-mails.

Nearly two weeks ago, she was obliged to go on MSN - something she hates to do because she’s against “live chatting” - because our e-mail servers were being faulty. I was so happy to see her on. We chat for over five hours - discovering something very surprising and hilarious. It turns out I had known of her 4 years ago. The world seemed very small… and yet perhaps it was all a fateful connection.

For some reason, I expressed that I wanted to exchange phone numbers. To my surprise, she gave hers without hesitation. I gave her mine. We both added each other into our phone books. When I expressed that I was worried about how we would sound over the phone, she directed me to her website - in which she had her voice recorded reading entries in which she composed.

I was shocked when I heard her voice. She sounded so above me… so refined. Her speech was beautiful and very classy. It was then that I was afraid to call for fear that I wasn’t good enough. I joked that we were from “two different worlds”.

Fatefully, for some reason, I decided to just call her. I got her voicemail. When I heard her voice, my qualms disappeared. She did not sound intimidating or above me. I was much relieved. She called me back shortly and this sparked our phone conversations…

We set our first phone record at 3 hours 22 minutes and 50 seconds. Last night, we broke our own record - set less than a week ago - and almost went 6 hours (5 hours 45 minutes to be exact). I don’t know how come I have so much to say to her. I don’t know why the hours feel so short. At the end, when I consider the length, that is when I realize we talked for so long… but during the process of, I felt no strain of time. There was never a push to end or a push to continue. Our conversations just flowed…

Without ‘her’
Three days ago, she disappeared on me. Since the week that our e-mails turned into live chatting and then into phone conversations, I’ve been too preoccupied with her. I don’t sleep until 2 or 3 AM. I’ve failed to watch series completely because I’m always chatting with her. I would joke that she was bad for my health.

On the first day that she disappeared, I wanted to call her after I woke up to tell her that I had slept for 10 hours. Yet, her phone was turned off. I figured she must have been sleeping. For the rest of the day, I called her every hour, hoping that she’d answer. To my dismay, her phone was off the whole day.

At night, I decided to e-mail her.

We once jokingly copied Heart of Greed’s “The Days Without…” journal entries. That night, though, when I “copied” that idea, my writing was sincere. I was very worried. I didn’t know what happened to her. I was afraid that something happened. I missed chatting with her. I missed hearing her voice. I missed our endless conversations… I missed… her. At the end of the e-mail, I expressed that I hoped there would be no more subsequent days to come.

I thought for sure that she would be back yesterday, but again, her phone was still off. I tried repeatedly, but in vain. That evening, I composed the second entry [Day 2] and exaggerated that “The Day Without…” had become “The Days Without…” At the end of the e-mail, I wrote that I didn’t know what I’d do if there were more days without her.

I now know what it feels like to have someone you can endlessly chat with. I know what it feels like to have someone who you want to share everything with - even the silliest, most insignificant news. I know what it feels like to truly miss someone and not know how my life would be without her. There are no boundaries between us and nothing that we cannot talk about. It is a true connection and the purest and most genuine of all relationships.

I know… the feeling without her.

I want to continue filling my “The Days With…” journal that is encrypted in my heart. I value this connection. I value our relationship. I just want her to know that the feelings are mutual and that… they were understood without being said.

I don’t want any more days without her and if there should be such a day - it is because it will also be the day without me.

In the past, I thought the weeks of the semester went by really fast, but it didn’t compare to the speed at which this semester went by. Perhaps it was because so much material was crammed into such a short period of time. Perhaps it was because I had three science courses at the same time. Perhaps it was because I was lazy and went through most of the semester in a “daze” and in a downward spiral… In any case, the last 15 weeks went by at the blink of an eye.

There are lots of things I regret and plenty things I’m not proud of [that I did this semester]. I’ve already blogged about those stuff here and here, so I won’t bore you guys and repeat it again.

Moving on, I know some of you are anxious to know how I did this semester after proclaiming I hit “rock bottom”. I have good news. My grades surpassed my expectations and I can honestly say that I am very satisfied with my grades.

Physiology I: B

This was the course I thought I would have whipped after getting an A in Functional Human Anatomy & Histology freshman year [a course for sophomore students which I took my first year]. I thought I understood the human body and how things worked well. I thought… I thought I was so great and didn’t have to worry much. Alas, I was the one who got whipped instead. This was my most turbulent course and the only true course [aside from Physics] in which I got an F on a major exam. I worked extremely hard to redeem myself after that fall and things paid off. I think that if I took the course seriously and kept up with the material [we have the class every single day at 9:00 AM], I could have gotten a B+, A-, or even an A. However, I won’t be too greedy because I am happy enough with my B.

Next semester, I will be taking Physiology II more seriously and keep up better. I have learned how to study for the course now and know what I need to do to do well.

Biochemistry I: B-

I thought I loved Biology. I thought I loved Chemistry. Who knew that combining the two courses together would make me dislike the subject [matter] so much? Biochemistry is hard - there’s no question about that. It’s even worse when you have a bad professor. Truthfully speaking, I don’t like my Biochemistry professor [he's a sweet and swell guy, but not a good teacher]. I’m so lost and bored during class [when I do attend]. I don’t get it when he “teaches” it. What’s funny is that the material makes so much sense to me when I go and learn it on my own by reading the book and then reading his notes again. The material then seems so understandable and makes so much sense. However, I wouldn’t review until the week before the exam. Thus, I was “lost” and didn’t know a thing about Biochemistry until the week before, during, and after the exam.

I have a different professor for Biochemistry II, so I hope he is a lot better. Next semester, I’m going to try to keep up with the material and review more periodically so I’m not lost and don’t cram. Even though doing “crash course” studying apparently works, I’d rather gradually understand the material as Biochemistry is fundamental for my upcoming 4th year course Pharmacology.

I’m happy with my B- as I worked hard and did try my best. I was actually thinking I was going to get a C or C+ - especially after his very hard final.

Microbiology: B

Ugh! My friend and I loathe this course. I’ve always hated microorganisms. I can’t pronounce the challenging and hard-to-remember names of all the stupid bacteria. To put it simple, this class was pure memorization. You really have to know the notes backwards and forwards and just repeat the material on the test. I’m not good at that. I need to understand.

Honestly, this was the hardest class for me this semester as well as my most hated. I didn’t enjoy it at all. I’m so glad I’m done with it. I also don’t fancy the professor teaching the class. He can be funny, but comes off as arrogant and “weird”. My friend and I went to see him for some clarifications before the first exam - he was so rude. His attitude and expressions were very unpleasant. He was of no help and basically said the following: Study your notes more; maybe you’re studying the wrong thing; follow my outline; maybe you should study with someone who knows what they’re doing. Never had I been so embarrassed or felt so degraded; we were just confused on certain points! From that moment on, I never liked him again. [He does know his material though.]

To be fair, Microbiology was an interesting class and I “learned” a lot. It was enlightening to become aware about the different antibiotics and drugs against various infections and diseases [and what microorganism causes what disease and what symptoms and complications occur]. It will prove useful knowledge to future classes as well as my future career.

I gave up on the final (as it was my last final of the week and I was totally and completely burned out and exhausted after the other 3 finals). I knew I wasn’t going to get an A, so I just gave up and settled for a B. I couldn’t bring myself to care anymore. Good riddance to Micro!

Introduction to Communications: A

Before I say anything else, let me just say this - night classes are not fun! They totally ruin all plans. I had this class from 7-8:20 PM every Tuesday’s and Thursday’s.

I dreaded this class because I’m not a good public speaker. I may seem outspoken and opinionated on my sites, but in truth, I’m very introverted and shy. I’m not outgoing unless I’m comfortable [i.e. with friends]. I get extremely nervous when I have to do presentations or speeches. However, I know I have to get better because my future classes (especially 5th year) require presentations. I also have to be an effective communicator in order to be a successful pharmacist. Therefore, I had hopes that Communications would allow me to improve and learn how to be a better speaker.

I can say that I learned quite a bit and that I have improved.

We had two major presentations in the class. For the first one, I was so ready to go. However, my turn to present kept getting pushed back so I didn’t get to go until the week after I had prepared mentally and physically to go. Therefore, I was not at my best when I finally went. I was so nervous that I was shaking and couldn’t breathe. I went extremely fast and just did terrible. I was so disappointed because I worked hard at practicing.

I knew I had to redeem myself for the second one. I wanted to go first [on the day I was going to present] because I get more nervous as I sit and wait for my turn. Sadly, I was denied going first and had to go second. My heart was pounding and I was shaking again when it was my turn to go. I told myself this time I would do so much better, that I would breathe and take my time. I started off really bad because I was shaking and was so nervous. I almost tripped! However, as I progressed, I became more comfortable. I felt I did better as I went along and was happy when I finished.

The professor commented, “You improved a lot! If I were to record your first and compare it with tonight’s, it is like night and day. It’s like you’re a different person.” There was a big round of applause. I felt really happy. Of course, I could have done better. Again, I was talking too fast. However, compared to last time, it was an improvement and I’m overall satisfied.

Next time, I have to learn how to just breathe. It’s okay to be nervous because nervousness is required for good presentations. The professor gave a lot of good tips and pointers on presenting.

I enjoyed this class. The professor was very funny and likable. It was a relaxing class and easy. I now have more tools at my expense to tweak my communication skills.

Pharmaceutical Calculations: A-

Ah! This has got to be my most favorite class this semester. Unlike other Asians, I don’t excel naturally at math. I have to work at it. I’m adequate enough though. I looked forward to this class every week. It was such a refreshing class to be in after so many hard-core and heavy science courses. I really liked the professor. He really cares about us understanding the material and is a nice guy. His side information about pharmacy was interesting.

Despite being a 1-credit course, the material was not a joke by any means. There are people who fail the exams! The material is challenging and like all math classes, requires practice. Because of my work experience with compounding pharmacy, I was at a slight advantage with some of the math.

All in all, this was an enjoyable class [despite challenging exams].

Epilogue
I take full responsibility for my “downward spiral” and laziness. I also take pride in being able to turn the ship around and climb back up. Like I said, once you go down, the only way to go is back up. I’m so happy I don’t have any C’s this semester and am pleased with the grades that I earned.

I will improve and correct the wrongs and bad habits I conducted this semester.

Hopefully next semester will be better.

“Alfred” once said in Heart of Greed that he used to laugh at “Seung Joi Sum” for having a blog. He thought that it was silly and a waste of time. It wasn’t until he started writing his own journal that he discovered the joys and benefits of keeping and writing one. I was also like “Alfred”.

Never did I think that I would want to do this. Why would I want to blog about myself? In the past, I’ve written a few personal entries at TVB Musings during times when I was strongly provoked to release my feelings. I enjoyed writing those posts (which have been reposted here) because it allowed me to share something personal about myself with you guys. It was nice - especially when I was able to read comments about how you guys have felt the same way or that one of you was going through something similar.

Consequently, I was inspired to create this new blog. It just feels right at this point. There are times when I would want to post, but I would feel awkward or weird about posting it at TVB Musings. [If you haven't realized it by now, I try to keep my TVB blog very structured and composed; the posts are thought-out and planned.] Now that I have this new blog, I finally have the option to write and post about whatever whenever and not have to worry about anything. I have complete freedom and control.

Sometimes, I think people [visitors] forget that there is a person behind timeless: the VIRTUES OF HARMONY network. Sometimes I feel that “MetalAZNWarrior” has become an abstraction. However, the truth is that there is a life behind the name, there is someone writing, creating, and thinking about everything that is updated… and that person - is me.

Becoming… MetalAZNWarrior is a personal blog and in short, this blog will entail anything and everything that I’m feeling or thinking that is non-TVB related. It is a piece of me that I’m going to share with those of you who are interested. Before anyone misunderstands, no, I am not abandoning or dropping TVB Musings (I would never do that!). This site is yet another division of the continuously growing network of sites under timeless: the VIRTUES OF HARMONY network and will be updated independently of my other blog.

Just like “Alfred”, now I have a place for me to delve in my own thoughts. Above all, this blog is for me. I need an outlet and I’ve come to see that blogging really works. It’s therapeutic almost. If you are interested in knowing the person behind the site(s), you are welcomed to read. If not, then please do not visit.

Welcome to those of you who make the choice to enter… I’ll start blogging soon, but until then you can check out my profile and learn the history of the name “MetalAZNWarrior”. I will only update whenever it moves me to. Do leave me a message to let me know you will be reading and as with TVB Musings, you are free to share your input should you choose to.

Behind the exterior… it’s just simply me…

[This is a follow up to 原來...]

I finally understand what it means to be “so happy” that you cry. I never got it before because I always associated tears with sadness. However, today… now I know.

Last month, I wrote saying that I had hit “rock bottom” - well, for those who don’t know or haven’t figured it out - I failed a major exam. In the past 15 years, it was my first true failing grade (I’m not including my Physics fiasco of last year). Before, when I said I did “bad”, it meant a B or C or if I said I “failed”, the grade was actually a D. I always passed and thought that I would always pass [I believed it was a guarantee]… until this year.

I’ve been a bad student for the majority of this semester. I skipped more classes than ever before. I have my “justifications” and “reasons” for skipping, but it doesn’t change the fact that I did skip. I was warned that most people’s grades dropped to B’s and C’s starting in the third year of Pharmacy, but I didn’t believe it would happen to me. I thought I would be an exception because I’ve always been “above average”. Who knew that the prophecy I didn’t believe in would come true because of my own doing?

The classes I’m taking are extremely hard and challenging on their own. Coupled with my laziness and limited time devoted to studying, how could I have expected to do “well”?

It took that F that I got last month (2 points from a passing grade of 60) on my third Physiology test in order to wake me up from my downward spiral. It was at that point that it hit me how far I had sunk, how hard I had crashed, and how it was all my doing… From that moment on, I vowed to get back on track. “If you think you can, you can…”

And what do you know? I did, I did!

The teacher for the fourth block of Physiology [Cardiovascular Physiology] was said to be the most difficult teacher of all (we have four different professors for each “block”/topic); the average was a 59 or so for her exam last year. Therefore, I was very scared (especially coming off of that failing grade in the third block and doing “below average” for the past 2 exams).

I had my fourth test in Physiology on Tuesday and the grades were posted today. I thought I did pretty okay (much better than last time) after completing the exam, however, I was still very nervous about the grade. My heart was pounding when I checked out my grade a few moments ago. I prayed for a B (or just to pass for that matter). My jaw dropped, I gasped, and I started shaking when I saw the grade. I couldn’t believe it. It was a 94! I kept refreshing to make sure it was real.

When I knew it was for real, I started crying. It was my first A on a major exam in a long time. I had jumped up 4 letter grades from the last exam and my average in the class improved by 6 points (I now have a B). I broke down like Steven Ma did in one of the final episodes of Safe Guards when the news came that the government approved their “train transport” proposal. All of his hard work had paid off… and so had mine.

I have revived hope and faith in myself again now. What did I say? Once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is back up… and I have. It feels so good!

I’m truly crying right now… for the first time in a very long time… but this time, they are happy tears.

It turns out… that nothing in this world is guaranteed.

It’s a dangerous thing when you believe in your own hype. It’s so easy to think that way and become lazy. No one is that great. We can all fall. Everything can change. There’s no “I’m always this so I’ll always be this”. The past is not a representation of the present and certainly can never be a proper indication of the future.

No one stays on top forever. No one is always “the best”. There are always others who are even better… Being “above average” is hard to come by when you’re in the upper end of the pool… sometimes, average is the best you can do… and that’s okay.

It turns out… that success has little to do with talent or intelligence. Success is 99% effort. You have to work hard. You have to try. You have to put out an effort. You have to want it. You have to fight for it. Nothing comes by easy and nothing is “for sure” yours. It’s so easy to lose drive though… and once you do, there’s only a downward spiral…

Sometimes falling is necessary. After a fall, you hit rock bottom; it hurts and makes you wake up from your dream and realize…

… And then, the only way to go… is back up.

[A continuation from part 1...]

The love triangle must end
Last summer, I entertained you guys with my witty love square. My “relationships” problem came to a surprising conclusion when I announced that I’d continue to cheat and be with both #1 and #2.

For the past year, I’ve stayed true to my decision and spread my time with #1 and #2. However, as time went by, my feelings really started to change. #2 continues to surprise me and I find that my feelings for her grow stronger and fonder. The more time I spend with her, the worse I feel about treating her like a “mistress” and keeping our relationship in the dark. She is willing to do so much for me and I’ve been with her most of the time since I’ve called a “break” with #1.

My feelings for #1 continue to die with each passing month. My disappointment grows and my displeasure being with her continues to pile. It is more than a chore now. The delights of our relationship have long passed. It’s a dying cause with no hopes of a “comeback”. In February 2007, I called for us to have “break” indefinitely. I really wanted to withdraw myself from this unhealthy relationship, but a part of me still nonsensically believes that perhaps “hope” still remains and that things can get better.

Summer is the time for love and now that I’m out of school, I find the big “love triangle” staring at me in the face.

Because I feel so strongly for #2 now, I should go back to her, right? Well… Being the indecisive and immature person that I am, I didn’t.

I called #1 up and said that I felt it was “time” to get back together. She was thrilled. She had gotten a “make-over” and our future seemed really promising with plans that would come with her “make-over”. I thought there was going to be major changes and that I’d be happy with her again… that we could have a future. I decided that I’d be faithful with #1 and see where things led. I didn’t tell #2 that I had come back home.

As life would have it, I have to pass by #2’s house every time I go to see #1. There’s no way to bypass it. Every time I go to be with #1, I am absorbed with feelings of guilt and betrayal. I feel like I’m sneaking around. I feel like trash. She is so good to me, and yet I treat her so badly? My heart paces whenever I suspect that she might see me. It’s as if #1 and #2 have reversed roles. #2 is now the “wife” and #1 is the “mistress” that I’m sneaking off to go be with. The only difference is that #2 knows about #1… only I lied and said that I had ended things with #1 to her (technically, I did end things… only it was a “break” and not a permanent break-up). I feel really cheap and horrible.

After a week of just being with #1, my unhappiness resurfaced almost instantly. Nothing changed. She still treats me poorly and I am getting fed up. She always lies and abuses me with false promises. I missed #2, but I was stuck with #1 for the time being. I made up my mind that I’d give #1 until June to see if there was any progress. If things remained bad, then that would be the final shot. I would end things and be faithful to #2. My plan didn’t work out that way.

A few days ago, I ran into a “friend” of #2’s. I knew that I would be screwed consequently because #2 would find out that I had come back… and not contacted her. My plan was ruined. Sure enough, #2 called me later that day, but I wasn’t home - I was out with #1. It was at that point that I felt the strain and pressure of the love triangle. I had to make a decision. There would be no more time. The rules of the game had caught up to me. I couldn’t continue stepping a foot on two boats.

When watching series, sometimes I get really annoyed with love triangles and how they seemingly drag on and on until the very last episode when there’s finally a resolution. Now that I’ve been in one, I realize that it’s not so easy to come to a conclusion. Regardless of the decision, at least one party is guaranteed to be hurt. It’s difficult to decide who gets hurt.

Finally, last night, while thinking about #2’s call, I came up with a decision.

I’m leaving #1. I’m tired of her games. Things are never going to change. The feelings have truly died long ago. I’m going to be faithful to #2 from now on. I really have to appreciate her for all that she’s done for me and how well she has treated me. I am so grateful. #2 doesn’t deserve to be treated like a mistress. I want to be out and open with her.

Today, I told #1 the news. I told her about #2. She was shocked as expected, but not as devastated or hurt as I had thought. Perhaps, I had overestimated her need of me all along. I’m going to get back together with #2. I’m done with the sneaking around. I’m done with the two-timing. It’s all too stressful and painful.

My “love triangle” finally has an ending. It took me a whole year of being undecided, but I finally made a choice. This situation has made me realize that indecisiveness is a very immature and unprofessional thing. I should have made a decision much sooner rather than dragging the thing out. Communication and thinking must be clear and not ambiguous. I have to learn how to be a better decider and take risks, instead of playing it safe. You can’t always have everything that you want and some people are just bound to get hurt regardless.

Just walk away
[This part is purposely vague. Only my close friends will know what it is talking about. If you want to know, ask me privately.]

It’s a black hole
Negativity collects
Don’t get sucked in
You already know
Just let it go
And walk away

I’ve decided. From today on, I won’t fall back into the negativity. It’s unnecessary pain and stress. I won’t visit again. I will stay in euphoria. It’s not denial because I know. I don’t have to see it. I won’t let negativity bring things down. Light will shine through and in the end, it won’t matter. Let the black hole suck the negativity all up.

Epilogue: Choices, choices, choices
I suck at making choices. I absolutely hate it when the time comes for me to make my schedule for the next semester. I hate picking classes and times. I just hate it. It’s so stressful and annoying, especially when I don’t get the courses that I want, so my schedule is screwed up. When I’m at a restaurant, I’m usually one of the last people to order because I can’t make up on my mind on what I want. I spend hours when shopping because I want to browse through everything. Truly, when presented with choices, I just take so long!

It’s so easy to run away from problems rather than facing them head-on. Letting “time” heal situations is a coward’s way of solving things. Sometimes, you really have to take matters into your own hands and be proactive about them. I’ve done a lot of running and prolonging, but now I think it’s time for me to grow up.

However, I really am someone who is indecisive by nature. I can’t make up my mind. Sometimes I just want it all so I can try a bit of everything. However, I know life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes choices have to be clear and you can only have one thing. However, I am learning how to be more decisive instead of being so wishy-washy… and that’s a choice that I’ve made.